I have not been a feelings person for a long time. The truth is the bad ones hurt too bad and the good ones weren't enough to balance so I shut them off. I "numbed" for years before my Dad was even diagnosed. I think that most people have a fun numbing go to, shopping, drinking, eating… not me, I just turn the feelings off without anything to replace them with. But I did this completely unknowingly. I had no idea, I just knew that I didn't feel. I thought that I was keeping myself in control during a period of time that was out of control. The day Dad was diagnosed, I didn't cry, I immediately went into solution mode. Let's make a plan, what do we need to do… and I stayed in that mode for almost the entire 6 months he was sick.
The day they moved him to the PICU was the only day out of the whole time that I cried. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the day before my sweet friend Julie's wedding. I had the honor of being asked to read at her wedding and was really looking forward to celebrating with her and Chris at their rehearsal dinner that night. I was working in the basement and my sister called to say that his blood pressure had gotten worse and they were moving him. I asked how he was handling it and she said "he is scared." Those three words did me in. I was hysterical imagining the man who had protected me from the boogie man and all of the bad in the world being scared. I remember laying on the floor of the basement and crying out to God to help him to not be scared. "Just let him feel your presence, let him feel your peace. PLEASE GOD don't let him feel scared" And the bottom line was, I was scared too. Scared because I didn't want to lose my Dad. Scared because I couldn't imagine life without him. Scared because of the unknown about his condition. Scared. The next 2 weeks were long and scary, but we thought he was improving. Then the day after Father's day came and he got very sick. This was the last time we would talk to him, the last time he would smile at us, the last time we saw him alive. But I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel anything. The feelings had been so intense the last time, that I eliminated them. We were watching when he passed and I didn't cry. I remember seeing my Mom cry and my sister cry, but I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel it. We made it through that day and the next few and I still didn't cry. The funeral came, I didn't cry. I wasn't trying to be strong or trying to be in control. I couldn't feel it. I had done such a good job shoving those stupid feelings so far down that I didn't feel them. And I certainly didn't WANT to feel them. So they stayed gone for the next several years. Sometimes I would feel sad or lonely, but I wouldn't let it stick around for long.
It wasn't until the last year that I realized that I was and had been numbing. And the worst part about realizing this is learning that when you numb the bad, you numb the good. So not only had I been not feeling all of the bad, I had missed out on opportunities to feel joy. Fun. Peace. Happiness. Contentment. All missed. I mean I wasn't a total bump on a log and most people around me probably didn't even notice, and let's be honest, I hid it well because that's what I do. But I missed those opportunities. And I missed opportunities for grieving and growth because I couldn't handle feeling.
So I decided that it had to stop. I had to stop numbing because I really want to feel the good! I wanted to look at my girls and feel like my heart would explode. And I think it was time to finally own the sad, scared, angry and lonely feelings from losing Dad. It has been a daily thought, prayer and decision to STOP numbing. And it has been amazing at times! When I see Nora Kate smile her big toothy smile and say "Mommy!" I feel like my heart may burst with joy. When I hear Olive singing in the other room at the top of her lungs in her sweet flat little voice, I feel happiness that I know is one of a kind. But the bad ones, they stink. OH HOW THEY STINK. They bring a totally normal sunny day into a sad day so quickly. But I am owning them. I am feeling them. To the point of crying multiple times in a day feeling them. To the point of sharing them with a few close friends feeling them. Owning those feelings and admitting they are mine has been a weird experience, but one that is helping me to grow for sure. The growth that I am most proud of though is when I can feel myself start to numb and making the choice to not. That's progress. Not perfect progress, but progress and I will take it...
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