Perfection is Dead

Perfectionism is something that I believe I was born with.  Between being the first born and being my father's daughter, it was inevitable that it would be a part of me.  I can remember thinking this was a great thing for a long time and carrying the title with pride.

And then I realized that for me, perfectionism was very dangerous. 
It was dangerous for 3 main reasons:
1. It distorted my view of grace.
2. It eliminated my need for God.
3. It made everyday situations very stressful. 

I was lucky to be raised in a hard working Christian home where we attended church regularly.  My parents were strict and I fell in line.  At some point growing up I heard "if you are a Christian, you have to be perfect".  I don't think anyone actually said this out loud to me, but it is what I internalized.  I totally missed the idea of grace.  I was saved in 4th grade and remember it vividly.  I also remember then taking on a new level of perfectionism.  If I was to be a good example, I couldn't make mistakes.  I remember thinking and believing that grace was something that was reserved for us before we were saved and it was a one time gift.

WHAT?? A one time gift?  So I could never mess up again...the pressure of this was stifling!  But I did my best to not disappoint anyone, including God.  FOR YEARS

Perfectionism eliminated my need for God.  If I can do everything perfect, then really I have no reason to ask for help.  I will just coast along on my own and be "perfect".  God wants for his children to need him.  If I am running around being "perfect" then I am not relying on him like I need to!  Daily he wants to walk hand and hand with us and provide guidance, but when I was in this place, I didn't walk hand in hand at all.  I tried to do it myself.   God needs me to need him.  He wants me to be in daily communion with him, but when I am off being "perfect", I turn to just myself for help and not him.  So in my grand attempt to be "perfect" and to not disappoint him, I am disappointing him daily by not allowing him to be GOD.  

Perfectionism made everyday situations very stressful.  In fact, it made every moment of every day stressful.  Stephen has this tone of voice he uses when I am in my perfect high stress mode and I can always tell that I am making it tense.  But my want and desire for things to be "perfect" distorts my view and appreciation for things.  The best example of this is something I have shared before with a lot of people...Olive's 3rd Halloween.  I worked and worked on a Buddy the Elf costume for her to wear and it was perfectly adorable.  But she hated it.  But in my perfect "view" of Halloween, she wore the costume and we all had a great time.  We showed up to our church fall festival with the Buddy costume in hand.  I attempted to put it on her in the parking lot and she FREAKED OUT.  Like not just a little freak out, the kind that people thought I was killing her in the parking lot freak out.  SCREAMING, CRYING, laying on the GROUND trying to get away from me.  In pure disgust, I look at Stephen and say "can you help me?"  He opens the trunk of the car and pulls out her Ming Ming duckling costume from the year before that she still wears almost daily around the house.  "Just let her be Ming Ming" he said.    Rage filled my body.  He wanted to ruin MY PERFECT Halloween by letting her wear last year's costume.  And guess what?  She jumped up with a smile and ran to the stupid Ming Ming costume.  He put it on her and we went in.  She was happy and adorable, Stephen was relieved and I was furious.  I didn't enjoy the night at all.  I wasted precious time with my Ming Ming duckling because I was mad she wasn't in the costume I wanted her in.  How sad for all of us.  
This is an extreme example, but I put this kind of pressure on everyday situations too and it makes dealing with me hard.  I know it does.  Stephen has told me :) 

Thankfully I have been able to recognize the harm that perfectionism causes not only me, but those around me.  I fight with it daily.  I do want things to be a certain way, and when it isn't that way, I get instantly frustrated.  I am having to work on appreciating the moment that I am in for what it is.  UGH!! I don't want to appreciate a messed up schedule or a messy floor ten minutes after I cleaned it.  So I have to intentionally focus on appreciating that the reason it is messy is because my girls are having fun.   I like to call myself a "recovering perfectionist" because I truly feel like this is something that I have to work to overcome.  And I will, slowly, with daily work on gratitude and appreciation.  But the best part of fighting this battle against perfectionism is that I have a new view of grace and I know that when I mess up every single day, God smiles and says "it's okay, I can help you."  Just like my Dad would have done.  (Dad's voice would probably have more irritation in it than God's but you get the point)   And I can fully rely on God to help me.  Not just HELP me, but handle it and let me relax a little.  I am so thankful for a God who loves us despite our "perfection" and mistakes and nonsense!