Expectations and a Wiggly Tooth

     A few days ago, Olive's tooth began to wiggle and she couldn't have been more excited! The twinkling eyes, huge smile and finger in her mouth let me know from yards away what was happening. I know she has been waiting for this for what seems like forever since her friends started losing teeth last school year.  She suddenly became scared to take a bite, had lots of questions about the exact procedure the tooth fairy uses and hoped it wouldn't come out until her birthday because that would be the ultimate gift. After an hour of being in bed, she got up to ask more questions because she was certain it was now "hanging". I know she has expectations set for this milestone and I'm not sure how achievable they are. This got me to thinking about expectations in my own mind and how unachievable they are.

    Expectations make my life so complicated. I'm constantly placing them on myself, others, and situations and find myself irritated, frustrated and annoyed when those expectations are not met.  This has destroyed many days and memories in my life.  The simple act of setting an expectation can completely change an otherwise great experience and it can be maddening and exhausting. Some days I have a better handle on it than others. But oh the days when I don't usually end in disaster. At least disaster in my heart because while I may not always show my frustration on the outside, I feel it. And then I feel the follow up feelings of anger and frustration with myself for being what I see as selfish or ungrateful.  I'm realizing that setting expectations is blocking me from seeing God and His ways. In Isaiah it says,  “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”  
When I set expectations for a situation, I am taking my focus off of God and His place in the situation and ultimately placing my focus on MYSELF and what I want from a situation. Yikes. That is the real deal right there.  My expectations are self serving. 

     

      I am setting a new challenge for myself: To only make one expectation daily,  to expect for God to use something in each day.  Sounds simple right?  

Riiiight with control issues like mine, this is going to be more than a simple declaration.  It is going to take daily mega work to keep my focus on Him so that He can use each day. 

     While there are some days I really don't know what he could use, there are others that I know clearly what He is using to change me, to help others or to bring glory to His kingdom.  I am committing to expecting it.  Expecting Him.  Focusing on Him and His part and not on myself. Anyone want to commit to join me in this?  We can help each other.  

I am going to need a lot of help!! 

    

How to Love Someone Struggling With Depression

   I had a long period of time in the not so distant past where I struggled with depression. Severe, life altering depression. Now that I am to the other side of that mountain, I can see it for exactly what it was. During that time I was so blinded by it and had no idea that was what was happening to me. I tried to live life "normally" but didn't understand why it was so hard. I tried to carry on in the same manner that I always had but didn't understand why I couldn't do it. I tried to be strong and put on a strong face but felt completely crumbled inside. I remember being able to maintain a strong face while doing something with or for the girls, but beyond that it was impossible. I could attend a park play date with friends and smile and "enjoy" the day but as soon as we got in the car to drive home, the fear and anxiety would wash over me and I would sob the whole way home. I distinctly remember one afternoon after a play date at a close friend's house, getting in the car and driving out of her neighborhood only to have to pull over and have Stephen come get us. I was completely consumed by depression, but couldn't see it at all. A lot changed for me during this period of time simply because of my behavior that I at the time, could not control.  It is from that experience that I have created this list that I pray someone out there will find helpful in dealing with their friend who is struggling with depression. First, please realize that while it might be clear as day what is going on to you, the depressed person might not realize how severe it has gotten for them. Here are a few tips on what NOT to do:

1. Don't try to fix us 

      Our depression and state of mind is not something that you (or we) can "fix" so please don't try.  Be genuinely encouraging and kind but not so that you will fix us. The only one who can "fix" us is God and we don't need anyone doing his job. 

2. Don't offer advice

   Sharing your experience with us can be helpful, if it applies. If your experience is that you were sad once because your cat died, probably not so helpful and will seem insincere. If you are sharing the experience of your Mom's cousin's little sister who struggles with depression, chances are we don't care and we aren't going to get much from it.  Don't try to give us well meaning advice, just be REAL and open and honest. Even if that means saying "I don't know what your going through but I'm going to love you anyways. Now here is a chocolate shake!" 

3. Don't give up on us 

    For me, I sat in a state of depression for a long long time.  I avoided phone calls, social events and contact with people who made me feel like they had it all together like the plaque.  I wasn't doing this because I didn't love or value those people or their friendships but something deep inside me told me that wasn't safe for me, so I withdrew. And sadly, my withdrawal pushed some of those people away. I never intended to destroy relationships, but they had no way of knowing that and ultimately let go. Some other people stuck around and waited patiently for me and that is a gift I am so grateful for on this side! So don't give up on your friend who is struggling, even if they push you away.  

4. Don't take it personally 

     We aren't avoiding you because of you. We are avoiding you because we don't feel safe. I used to be a girl who typically had my stuff together, I didn't like for people to see me struggle and I was an extreme perfectionist. When depression settled into my heart and life, I felt like I had to keep up the act of being the girl I had always been. And most of the time, I didn't have the energy to put on that show, so I avoided contact with people. It had nothing to do with the people or places I avoided, it had everything to do with the struggle going on in my heart. This is probably the hardest "don't" to follow because it is human nature to take things personally, but I promise, when you're dealing with a depressed person it has nothing to do with you!

5.  Don't place expectations on us

    We have plenty of our own expectations that we are not fulfilling which is just fueling this fire in our hearts. Please don't place your expectations on us, this will only add to that fire.  One thing that was said to me was "its okay for you to grieve as long as you need to" but the reality was when my grief journey didn't look like what this person expected it to, they let me know in very subtle ways that my journey was "wrong". For someone who already struggled to feel the grief, this magnified that struggle and I forced my feelings even further down. If you need to love your friend from a distance in order to not place expectations on them, do it. It will help both of you and possibly save your relationship long term. Loving from a distance could mean sending a "thinking of you" text every few weeks or letting  them know something made you think of them like a song or show.  Sending a card in the mail with a Sonic gift card or just a note. Keeping in touch without being in their space all of the time. 

6.  Don't stop praying for us. 

    This is something that is not only life changing, it is life giving. I have a dear friend who not only prays for me daily, and tells me she is praying for me, but she will text me prayers every other week or so. Reading the words she is pouring out to our Father on my behalf is so overwhelming.  It is the true mark of a friend, one who never believes that Satan and his noose of depression can have my heart, but one who believes that the All Powerful God can bring me back and who prays bold prayers, believing it will happen. Be that friend. Raise your friend up in prayer BELIEVING for their depression to be relieved. 

I am not an expert but I can assure you that loving someone through depression is excruciating and hard, but so worth it when you see it relieved. If you are struggling right now, know that there are people in your life loving you and surrounding you with prayer and it's okay to reach out. Thank you to my precious warriors who didn't give up on me. 

Happy "Birthday"!

Today our family celebrates a birthday. Not a physical birthday, but a spiritual birthday that represents the renewal of our family. Today marks one year of sobriety for Stephen! While this is not the first year of sobriety he has ever celebrated, it is the most significant. 

You see, one year ago I received a phone call that I never in a million years expected to receive and I had a decision to make. My immediate concern was for my girls and I and I acted on that and made quick decisions to protect us at all costs. I had people close to me offering varied opinions and advice into a situation none of us had much experience with. About three days in, thanks to advice from a dear friend, I chose to just pray. Not make decisions, just pray and keep life going for the girls and I one day at a time.  As I began the routine of just praying, God provided answers.  The first time I talked to Stephen it was clear from the sound of his voice, God was providing answers to him too. I didn't think at that point our answers would work together but I chose to pray. 

About two weeks into the ordeal, I heard the Steven Curtis Chapman song "Glorious Unfolding". I sobbed in my car listening to the words that I felt were pouring out of my heart on the radio. And then I heard the chorus "there is so much of the story that's still left to be told...you've just got to believe the story is so far from over...just you wait and see and you will be amazed." I remember thinking to myself okay. So the first part of the song, YES TOTALLY ME!! But be amazed?! How was God going to use this mess? How were we even going to get out of this mess? Much less be amazed by it.  

Only those closest to us knew anything was out of the ordinary.  But those closest to us, Held us. They held us in prayer, in strength, and physically held us. Without these dear friends I would be typing a very different story today. They believed on the days that I couldn't. They cried the tears that I couldn't and caught the ones that I could cry. They prayed the prayers for redemption that I couldn't pray. They prayed for Stephen's strength and believed in him when I couldn't.  

 And God used this mess.  He used it as the broken pieces of a life to draw us closer to Him.  

We were forced to put the words in James 4:7-10 to work in our lives: "So let God work his will in you.  Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper.  Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin.  Purify your inner life.  Quit playing the field.  HIT BOTTOM, CRY YOUR EYES OUT.  The fun and games are over.  Get serious, really serious.  Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." 

On our knees with a quiet Yes to God.  That is where we were.  

I was at home on my knees saying "God I believe you will keep the girls and I safe.  I need clear direction from you on if my life will be that of a single mom or a married mom."  
Stephen was not at home but on his knees, saying a quiet yes to God that sounded more like "HELP ME.  I will do it, just help. I surrender." 

God took our prayers and began working in both of our hearts.   When Stephen was able to come home, it was like a completely new family.  God took our cries of brokenness and surrender and used them to make our marriage different and stronger.  Every single day we both continue these prayers and these efforts and everyday he comes home.  

Has it been sunshine, roses and rainbows? Absolutely not.  But I would not change it.  It put us in a position of needing and longing for God in ways we never had before.  Apparently we are both really slow learners!! The amazing things that are happening out of this part of our story to bring glory to Him are worth it.  

Happy Birthday Stephen!  Thank you for working so hard day in and day out and the sacrifices you make for yourself, God's glory and our family.  We are so proud of you and grateful for what God is doing in and through you!  

Happy Birthday Dano!

     Today my Dad would have turned 61. It's weird, this day. We still celebrate it even though he isn't here. And it's weird to be sad because without this day, he never would have been here.  

     He was born in Ropesville, Texas the second son of Leon and Iva Ree Young. They lived outside of town in a little farm house.  He and his brother Daryl played outside as much as possible and likely got into as much trouble as possible.  Granny told the story of his first day of school. She was so upset and went out into the cotton field to see Grandaddy to get comfort. She was crying so hard Grandaddy jumped down from the tractor because he thought something was wrong. She said "my baby went to school". Grandaddy shook his head and got back on the tractor. Dad would tell us stories about a group of boys who were always getting into trouble. Hanging rabbits from the town water tower, burning their HS emblem in an opposing team's football field, staging a walk out over not wanting to conform to the short hair expectations of the school. He referred to this wild gang as the "mean boys". It took Mica and I until we were in high school ourselves to realize he was a member of the ornery "mean boys" and probably most of these things were his ideas. 

      He had a yellow Camaro with black and white houndstooth interior in HS and he was crazy about that car. He would drive to Levelland to pick up Beth Northcutt for dates. And he never said much about her hairstyle and color that were different each week because she was a cosmetology student. They got married on May 10, 1974.  The early years of their marriage, they spent a great deal of time with their best friends Martin and Sharla and their chow Angie. A few years later, I was born followed by Mica 3 years later. 

    I remember him playing tickle monster every night with us, reading books to us while I was curled up in his lap and Mica found better things to do. He was strong willed and so I came by this naturally. I remember the day I stopped salting my food thanks to him. I wanted salt on my supper but wanted to do it myself. I was probably 3 or 4, finally in exasperation he handed it to me and told me to go for it. Well I went for it. All of it. Salted the heck out of my supper. And then I took a bite. I remember running from the table screaming and wiping my mouth while he sat there and just watched.  I still like to be right (just ask Stephen) and I know this is in my genes. 

    He taught me to ride a bike with no training wheels. He let go for the first time as I was headed toward a turn in the sidewalk. Not knowing what to do, I slammed into the light pole and promptly fell over. He taught me to throw "like a boy" and taught me to catch. He taught me how to cast a fishing pole but I was never interested in baiting the hook. That was Mica's deal. He taught me how to love God and how to serve others. We were at church every time the doors were open. We didn't have much, but my parents were willing to give what we had if someone was in greater need. They gave MY bed away twice to families who didn't have beds. He taught me that working hard is the only way to work. He worked 3 and 4 jobs at a time while going to school to support our family. I didn't have any idea then but now, I could not be more grateful for his example. He went on school field trips with us and consequently our group usually consisted of the rowdiest kid in class because the teacher thought a man could handle it. He cheered us on at our Bike-a-thons and made sure our bikes were in perfect working order. If something broke, he fixed it. And if he couldn't fix it, he had a friend who could. He taught me community. We were not near any family growing up, so we had "cousins" that were close friends. Eddie, Carol, Wesley and Jeffrey are a part of some of my favorite memories and the example of friendship from our parents is something I admire. He was strict and hard on us but now I'm thankful for those expectations. He was grouchy a lot. I now know that working 3-4 jobs and coming home to high pitched squirrely girlies will make you a little grouchy. As we got older he always believed in us. He may not have agreed with what we wanted to do, but he never stood in the way. He was present at every choir concert, drama competition, basketball game, softball game, orchestra concert, cheerleading competition and anything else we were involved in. He was our #1 fan. I can still see him shaking his head as I would look up into the stands, grin and start "BHS oh yes!" His imitation of this cheer is still a favorite memory.   

    When I went to college and began working full time I really realized the sacrifices he had made for our family. I just worked and went to school, he did this while raising two girls and caring for his wife. That thought still baffles me. 

    When Stephen asked Dad if he could marry me, Dad quickly replied "well I guess she could do worse."  I am not sure this eased Stephen's nerves at all, but it was typical Dad to be sarcastic in these situations as a way to try to lighten the mood. He was so happy the day we got married and I can see him holding my arm as we walked down the aisle. 

    My favorite role to experience him in was that of "Dano". To announce our pregnancy, we took Wrigley with us to Christmas at their house wearing a shirt that had the words "only child" marked out. When we walked in, Dad was the first to see her and said "You are getting another dog?!" When he realized what was actually happening tears streamed down his face. The morning she was born, I called them at 5 in the morning to catch him before he went to work. When he answered I said "it's Olive's birthday! She's coming!"  I could feel the pure joy pulsing from the phone!! The love he had for Olive oozed out of every pore in his body. Everybody he came in contact with knew about Olive and was likely shown her picture. He took every opportunity to come to Norman and see her even after he was sick. I think it's fitting the last day she saw him was Father's Day. Writing this, tears are falling down my face because as precious as the memories of the two of them are, the reality that Nora Kate never had that opportunity is all too real.  I HATE this for her. He would have loved her just as much. I know this is why God gave her his blue eyes. It was his way of connecting them. That and her orneriness, that's a pretty clear connection as well. 

   To say that my Dad was one of a kind would be an understatement. I am so thankful for the lessons he thought me, the memories I have and the genetics that make me so much like him.  

    Happy Birthday Dad! I love and miss you everyday, but especially today. The day that you began. 

Olive's Journey

 

   
      Today I watched a little girl hurl herself off of a ladder and into an inflatable pool full of plastic balls.  The joy and excitement on her face matched the joy and excitement in my heart as I watched her do something that just a few short months ago, she was TERRIFIED of and would have never even considered.  She then proceeded to fly down a slide and fling her body into the middle of an inner tube suspended from the ceiling and swing like a bird flying through the air.  No fear, no caution, just joy and fun! This is typical 5 year old behavior and we are delighted that Olive is experiencing it.
    Olive has always been very cautious, careful and pretty fearful.  We always wrote this off as her personality until last summer when it became painfully clear her anxiety and meltdowns were more than typical 4 year old behavior.  We went to our pediatrician and he agreed that her behaviors may need some additional attention.  We were referred to an angel of a child psychologist and we began seeing her weekly.  She did testing on Olive and we found out that not only did she indeed suffer from extreme anxiety, but that she had severe sensory issues (anyone who has ever had a meal with her is shaking their heads yes right now)  and that she in fact has Sensory Processing Disorder.        
     WHOA.  This sent our heads spinning.  I was somewhat familiar with SPD and had had kids in my classroom with sensory issues, so I had a basic understanding.  But what I hadn't seen with those kids was what they were like at home, how hard their parents worked 24-7, how exhausted their parents were because of all of the modifications and accommodations that you naturally make on a daily basis, not to keep peace but to actually SURVIVE.  Our therapist referred us to an Occupational Therapist who is also a true angel and Olive began seeing her once a week as well.  The first few months I think we walked around in a fog, overwhelmed by scheduling multiple therapies a week and "voodoo" words like bone conduction therapy, modulated music, regulation and grounding.  A few weeks later special headphones arrived in the mail and we started conducting music therapy at home for 30 minutes each day.  Overwhelmed doesn't even do it justice.
       But then slowly, we started noticing little changes.  She could get dressed in the morning without the fear of people laughing at her.  She could handle having a misunderstanding with a friend and not have a complete meltdown over it.  She could handle disappointments a little easier.  She stopped having multiple meltdowns every single day.  The best day was when a close friend of mine said "I can't believe the changes I see in Olive!  She is so relaxed and able to have fun. She even looks different."   It was music to my tired and weary soul to hear someone say they could see it.  We are in so deep it is hard to see the changes daily. 
She also said  "the stress and worry and scheduling and confusion and work you and Stephen have put into getting her the help she needs is obviously paying off."  I could have cried right then and there.  The same friend who had last summer told me to my face "I think there is more going on here, I would talk to the doctor"  could see the changes!  I am so thankful for her and her willingness to be honest with me about the good and the not so good.
      So for now, we will continue our routine of therapy, OT and music therapy at home and will probably be adding a crazy weird bone conduction therapy at home soon.  It doesn't make sense and I am pretty sure it isn't supposed to, we just know it is helping our precious girl and we couldn't be happier.

     I feel like the journey we are on now is so telling of how we all are with God.   A situation arises in our life and we of course immediately panic. Just being real here friends, I would like to say I don't panic, I immediately turn to God.  But the truth is I panic first.  Baby Steps.  So God has to remind us AGAIN for the gazillionth time that he is in control.  But he doesn't do this by fixing our situation or changing it immediately.  He sends helpers into our path. In Olive's case, these helpers are a therapist, an OT and her amazing teacher, as well as patient friends.  For me the same people were helpers along with precious friends who encouraged me and pray for her daily.  He sends us these helpers so that we can continue walking in our situation, without them it might be easier to just stop.
      He then sends peace in the form of little reminders.  It is his way of telling us "I got this!"   For us in this situation, there have been so many, including having a full day with no tears.  This is something a year ago I didn't feel would ever happen but now happens on a regular basis and I have to thank God each time for the reminder.  When we walk hand in hand with Him and truly trust and believe that He is in control, he will show us this over and over again.
      He also proves his mighty greatness and control by doing abundantly more than we could ever dream or imagine.  He promises us this in his word and it is true.  We do not know where Olive's journey will lead her, but we do know who is in control of her journey and that he has plans for her that are INCREDIBLE.  She's a world changer, this one.  We are trusting Him for it to be true.

Renewal

     I've never been good at New Years Resolutions. In fact, several years ago I stopped making them at all because I knew I wouldn't follow through and then I would feel bad about not following through. So it was easier to just not make them at all! Last year, I had heard of people choosing one word to claim for the upcoming year. One word, I could handle one little word! 

   At this point last year, Stephen was starting a new job, I was still loving my job, the girls were growing and happy. We had done some grief work and were slowly sorting through it. It felt like we were in a season of renewal. RENEWAL! I happily claimed renewal as my word for 2014. I wrote it in several places around the house so I would see it and be reminded of it. I prayed it. "Thank you Lord for bringing us to this season of RENEWAL! Please continue to renew our family, our marriage, our relationships, our lives."

   Isn't it interesting how we, in our "infinite" wisdom feel that we are experiencing our present and we know about our past, so we have a pretty clear idea of our future?  One of my favorite verses my entire life has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a good future."  For years I read this, prayed it and recited it focusing on the word PLANS. 2014 helped me to focus more clearly on the most important word. 

I. I know the plans I have...

     And boy did I learn that. 2014 did bring renewal in a mighty way. But it didn't bring renewal in the way I had in my mind. No, it brought renewal in a long broken way. 2014 was the year that broke a man, broke our marriage and almost broke our family. At the end of April, we were broken to a point we had never been before. Hearts were broken, our life was broken, and it didn't look like it would go back together very well. But here is where God spoke the words "I know the plans I have for the Links". All we had to do was trust and follow him. We picked our broken selves up from the pile of rubble we were in and started trusting Him one day at a time. One LONG, SLOW day at a time. One HARD, HEARTBROKEN day at a time. One FEAR FILLED day at a time. One day turned into two and then three and four. Every day got a little easier in its own way, but daily we were reminded of how broken our lives were, and how broken we were. But I sit here today, with broken pieces in my heart, and declare that renewal has come to the Link family! It wasn't pretty, it wasn't on our time or how we expected it, but it has come and we could not be more grateful! We continue following and trusting Him, one day a time, knowing that HE knows the plans HE has for us. Thank you Lord for your perfect, broken, ugly, hard, renewal plan. 

Feelings STINK

   I have not been a feelings person for a long time.  The truth is the bad ones hurt too bad and the good ones weren't enough to balance so I shut them off.  I "numbed" for years before my Dad was even diagnosed.  I think that most people have a fun numbing go to, shopping, drinking, eating… not me, I just turn the feelings off without anything to replace them with.  But I did this completely unknowingly.  I had no idea, I just knew that I didn't feel.  I thought that I was keeping myself in control during a period of time that was out of control.  The day Dad was diagnosed, I didn't cry, I immediately went into solution mode.  Let's make a plan, what do we need to do… and I stayed in that mode for almost the entire 6 months he was sick.  
     The day they moved him to the PICU was the only day out of the whole time that I cried.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the day before my sweet friend Julie's wedding.  I had the honor of being asked to read at her wedding and was really looking forward to celebrating with her and Chris at their rehearsal dinner that night.  I was working in the basement and my sister called to say that his blood pressure had gotten worse and they were moving him.  I asked how he was handling it and she said "he is scared."  Those three words did me in.  I was hysterical imagining the man who had protected me from the boogie man and all of the bad in the world being scared.  I remember laying on the floor of the basement and crying out to God to help him to not be scared.  "Just let him feel your presence, let him feel your peace.  PLEASE GOD don't let him feel scared"  And the bottom line was, I was scared too.  Scared because I didn't want to lose my Dad.  Scared because I couldn't imagine life without him.  Scared because of the unknown about his condition.  Scared.  The next 2 weeks were long and scary, but we thought he was improving.  Then the day after Father's day came and he got very sick.  This was the last time we would talk to him, the last time he would smile at us, the last time we saw him alive.  But I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel anything.  The feelings had been so intense the last time, that I eliminated them.  We were watching when he passed and I didn't cry.  I remember seeing my Mom cry and my sister cry, but I couldn't cry.  I couldn't feel it.  We made it through that day and the next few and I still didn't cry.  The funeral came, I didn't cry.  I wasn't trying to be strong or trying to be in control.  I couldn't feel it.  I had done such a good job shoving those stupid feelings so far down that I didn't feel them.  And I certainly didn't WANT to feel them.  So they stayed gone for the next several years.  Sometimes I would feel sad or lonely, but I wouldn't let it stick around for long.  
     It wasn't until the last year that I realized that I was and had been numbing.  And the worst part about realizing this is learning that when you numb the bad, you numb the good.  So not only had I been not feeling all of the bad, I had missed out on opportunities to feel joy.  Fun. Peace. Happiness. Contentment.  All missed.  I mean I wasn't a total bump on a log and most people around me probably didn't even notice, and let's be honest, I hid it well because that's what I do.  But I missed those opportunities.  And I missed opportunities for grieving and growth because I couldn't handle feeling.   

So I decided that it had to stop.  I had to stop numbing because I really want to feel the good!  I wanted to look at my girls and feel like my heart would explode.  And I think it was time to finally own the sad, scared, angry and lonely feelings from losing Dad.  It has been a daily thought, prayer and decision to STOP numbing.  And it has been amazing at times!  When I see Nora Kate smile her big toothy smile and say "Mommy!" I feel like my heart may burst with joy.  When I hear Olive singing in the other room at the top of her lungs in her sweet flat little voice, I feel happiness that I know is one of a kind.  But the bad ones, they stink.  OH HOW THEY STINK.  They bring a totally normal sunny day into a sad day so quickly.  But I am owning them.  I am feeling them.  To the point of crying multiple times in a day feeling them.  To the point of sharing them with a few close friends feeling them.  Owning those feelings and admitting they are mine has been a weird experience, but one that is helping me to grow for sure.  The growth that I am most proud of though is when I can feel myself start to numb and making the choice to not.  That's progress.  Not perfect progress, but progress and I will take it...