How to Love Someone Struggling With Depression

   I had a long period of time in the not so distant past where I struggled with depression. Severe, life altering depression. Now that I am to the other side of that mountain, I can see it for exactly what it was. During that time I was so blinded by it and had no idea that was what was happening to me. I tried to live life "normally" but didn't understand why it was so hard. I tried to carry on in the same manner that I always had but didn't understand why I couldn't do it. I tried to be strong and put on a strong face but felt completely crumbled inside. I remember being able to maintain a strong face while doing something with or for the girls, but beyond that it was impossible. I could attend a park play date with friends and smile and "enjoy" the day but as soon as we got in the car to drive home, the fear and anxiety would wash over me and I would sob the whole way home. I distinctly remember one afternoon after a play date at a close friend's house, getting in the car and driving out of her neighborhood only to have to pull over and have Stephen come get us. I was completely consumed by depression, but couldn't see it at all. A lot changed for me during this period of time simply because of my behavior that I at the time, could not control.  It is from that experience that I have created this list that I pray someone out there will find helpful in dealing with their friend who is struggling with depression. First, please realize that while it might be clear as day what is going on to you, the depressed person might not realize how severe it has gotten for them. Here are a few tips on what NOT to do:

1. Don't try to fix us 

      Our depression and state of mind is not something that you (or we) can "fix" so please don't try.  Be genuinely encouraging and kind but not so that you will fix us. The only one who can "fix" us is God and we don't need anyone doing his job. 

2. Don't offer advice

   Sharing your experience with us can be helpful, if it applies. If your experience is that you were sad once because your cat died, probably not so helpful and will seem insincere. If you are sharing the experience of your Mom's cousin's little sister who struggles with depression, chances are we don't care and we aren't going to get much from it.  Don't try to give us well meaning advice, just be REAL and open and honest. Even if that means saying "I don't know what your going through but I'm going to love you anyways. Now here is a chocolate shake!" 

3. Don't give up on us 

    For me, I sat in a state of depression for a long long time.  I avoided phone calls, social events and contact with people who made me feel like they had it all together like the plaque.  I wasn't doing this because I didn't love or value those people or their friendships but something deep inside me told me that wasn't safe for me, so I withdrew. And sadly, my withdrawal pushed some of those people away. I never intended to destroy relationships, but they had no way of knowing that and ultimately let go. Some other people stuck around and waited patiently for me and that is a gift I am so grateful for on this side! So don't give up on your friend who is struggling, even if they push you away.  

4. Don't take it personally 

     We aren't avoiding you because of you. We are avoiding you because we don't feel safe. I used to be a girl who typically had my stuff together, I didn't like for people to see me struggle and I was an extreme perfectionist. When depression settled into my heart and life, I felt like I had to keep up the act of being the girl I had always been. And most of the time, I didn't have the energy to put on that show, so I avoided contact with people. It had nothing to do with the people or places I avoided, it had everything to do with the struggle going on in my heart. This is probably the hardest "don't" to follow because it is human nature to take things personally, but I promise, when you're dealing with a depressed person it has nothing to do with you!

5.  Don't place expectations on us

    We have plenty of our own expectations that we are not fulfilling which is just fueling this fire in our hearts. Please don't place your expectations on us, this will only add to that fire.  One thing that was said to me was "its okay for you to grieve as long as you need to" but the reality was when my grief journey didn't look like what this person expected it to, they let me know in very subtle ways that my journey was "wrong". For someone who already struggled to feel the grief, this magnified that struggle and I forced my feelings even further down. If you need to love your friend from a distance in order to not place expectations on them, do it. It will help both of you and possibly save your relationship long term. Loving from a distance could mean sending a "thinking of you" text every few weeks or letting  them know something made you think of them like a song or show.  Sending a card in the mail with a Sonic gift card or just a note. Keeping in touch without being in their space all of the time. 

6.  Don't stop praying for us. 

    This is something that is not only life changing, it is life giving. I have a dear friend who not only prays for me daily, and tells me she is praying for me, but she will text me prayers every other week or so. Reading the words she is pouring out to our Father on my behalf is so overwhelming.  It is the true mark of a friend, one who never believes that Satan and his noose of depression can have my heart, but one who believes that the All Powerful God can bring me back and who prays bold prayers, believing it will happen. Be that friend. Raise your friend up in prayer BELIEVING for their depression to be relieved. 

I am not an expert but I can assure you that loving someone through depression is excruciating and hard, but so worth it when you see it relieved. If you are struggling right now, know that there are people in your life loving you and surrounding you with prayer and it's okay to reach out. Thank you to my precious warriors who didn't give up on me.