Perfectionism is something that I believe I was born with. Between being the first born and being my father's daughter, it was inevitable that it would be a part of me. I can remember thinking this was a great thing for a long time and carrying the title with pride.
And then I realized that for me, perfectionism was very dangerous.
It was dangerous for 3 main reasons:
1. It distorted my view of grace.
2. It eliminated my need for God.
3. It made everyday situations very stressful.
I was lucky to be raised in a hard working Christian home where we attended church regularly. My parents were strict and I fell in line. At some point growing up I heard "if you are a Christian, you have to be perfect". I don't think anyone actually said this out loud to me, but it is what I internalized. I totally missed the idea of grace. I was saved in 4th grade and remember it vividly. I also remember then taking on a new level of perfectionism. If I was to be a good example, I couldn't make mistakes. I remember thinking and believing that grace was something that was reserved for us before we were saved and it was a one time gift.
WHAT?? A one time gift? So I could never mess up again...the pressure of this was stifling! But I did my best to not disappoint anyone, including God. FOR YEARS
Perfectionism eliminated my need for God. If I can do everything perfect, then really I have no reason to ask for help. I will just coast along on my own and be "perfect". God wants for his children to need him. If I am running around being "perfect" then I am not relying on him like I need to! Daily he wants to walk hand and hand with us and provide guidance, but when I was in this place, I didn't walk hand in hand at all. I tried to do it myself. God needs me to need him. He wants me to be in daily communion with him, but when I am off being "perfect", I turn to just myself for help and not him. So in my grand attempt to be "perfect" and to not disappoint him, I am disappointing him daily by not allowing him to be GOD.
Perfectionism made everyday situations very stressful. In fact, it made every moment of every day stressful. Stephen has this tone of voice he uses when I am in my perfect high stress mode and I can always tell that I am making it tense. But my want and desire for things to be "perfect" distorts my view and appreciation for things. The best example of this is something I have shared before with a lot of people...Olive's 3rd Halloween. I worked and worked on a Buddy the Elf costume for her to wear and it was perfectly adorable. But she hated it. But in my perfect "view" of Halloween, she wore the costume and we all had a great time. We showed up to our church fall festival with the Buddy costume in hand. I attempted to put it on her in the parking lot and she FREAKED OUT. Like not just a little freak out, the kind that people thought I was killing her in the parking lot freak out. SCREAMING, CRYING, laying on the GROUND trying to get away from me. In pure disgust, I look at Stephen and say "can you help me?" He opens the trunk of the car and pulls out her Ming Ming duckling costume from the year before that she still wears almost daily around the house. "Just let her be Ming Ming" he said. Rage filled my body. He wanted to ruin MY PERFECT Halloween by letting her wear last year's costume. And guess what? She jumped up with a smile and ran to the stupid Ming Ming costume. He put it on her and we went in. She was happy and adorable, Stephen was relieved and I was furious. I didn't enjoy the night at all. I wasted precious time with my Ming Ming duckling because I was mad she wasn't in the costume I wanted her in. How sad for all of us.
This is an extreme example, but I put this kind of pressure on everyday situations too and it makes dealing with me hard. I know it does. Stephen has told me :)
Thankfully I have been able to recognize the harm that perfectionism causes not only me, but those around me. I fight with it daily. I do want things to be a certain way, and when it isn't that way, I get instantly frustrated. I am having to work on appreciating the moment that I am in for what it is. UGH!! I don't want to appreciate a messed up schedule or a messy floor ten minutes after I cleaned it. So I have to intentionally focus on appreciating that the reason it is messy is because my girls are having fun. I like to call myself a "recovering perfectionist" because I truly feel like this is something that I have to work to overcome. And I will, slowly, with daily work on gratitude and appreciation. But the best part of fighting this battle against perfectionism is that I have a new view of grace and I know that when I mess up every single day, God smiles and says "it's okay, I can help you." Just like my Dad would have done. (Dad's voice would probably have more irritation in it than God's but you get the point) And I can fully rely on God to help me. Not just HELP me, but handle it and let me relax a little. I am so thankful for a God who loves us despite our "perfection" and mistakes and nonsense!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
I Survived...
As of today, I have officially survived the most challenging year of my life. Not the most traumatic or the most heartbreaking, but definitely the most challenging. In the past year I have been stretched further than I thought I could be. I have felt hurt deeper than I imagined possible. I have made decisions, I never imagined having to make. I have lost relationships that I never imagined losing. But through prayer, the support of an amazing village of friends, prayer, therapy, prayer, reading, prayer, art journaling and an insane amount of self reflection, I can say I have SURVIVED. Survived, not thrived, but I know that will come in good time. I have learned several important things, but here are 6 that I think are worth sharing for now.
1. When a member of your family is in recovery, your entire family is in recovery. It is a daily sacrifice for every single member of the family (even the dog) to make it work. I am thankful our family has figured out a fairly decent routine in order to accomplish the task of Daddy going to meetings every night. It is worth it. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.
2. When you numb the bad, you numb the good. Oh the numbing! Brene' Brown writes about this in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and man I felt like she wrote this whole chapter just for me! I am the QUEEN of numbing. I am so good at it, I don't even notice I am doing it. I don't even have a go to numbing technique, I can just do it as a part of my normal life and routine. This has been one of the hardest things for me to accept and attempt to change. It is a daily issue and struggle for me. But the joy that is felt when I am able to feel the good is so worth it. Being able to look into Olive's sparkling brown eyes as she tells me a story about a caterpillar at recess and be excited just because she is excited is so worth it! It is worth having to feel the constant dull ache of missing my Dad every moment of every day. It is worth having to feel the uncertainty of not having control of what will happen. But sometimes I forget that the joy is worth it and the numbing wins and it takes me months to get back to feeling. Baby steps...
3. Vulnerability is a gift. For a long time, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to open up and be real about what was REALLY going on with me. This year, I have learned that I wasn't willing to be vulnerable. This could have been for several reasons, but for me, it didn't feel safe. It wasn't safe for me to open myself up to judgement from others. It wasn't safe for me to make myself even more different by admitting what was really going on. It wasn't safe. It also wasn't safe for me to accept my imperfect self. It wasn't safe to accept that there was something REALLY wrong about me and that I was REALLY hurting from all of the pain I was experiencing. This year, I have found safety. I have been able to work through the inability to be vulnerable and to face each relationship I have with a certain level of vulnerability due to self acceptance. Brene Brown states “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."
The person that I am now is not the person I expected to be "when I grew up", she is a much messier version of my expectation, but she is also a lot stronger than I ever expected. The person that I am now is able to "just be" and to not be as concerned with what others think. She is able to be real.
4. People will say catchy phrases like "it's okay, we all grieve differently" and "you deal with it when you're ready" but most of them are just saying it, unfortunately they don't mean it. If you aren't on their timeline or aren't as far along in your grief as they expect you to be, they will let you know in a variety of ways. They may not do this with mean intentions, they just don't have time to be on your journey anymore. This has been a hard lesson for me. I am the first to admit, I am a stifler of emotions, so the grief journey has taken a LONG time and I am still just at the beginning of the real work. If you know someone who is grieving (even if they are grieving the loss of someone that passed 10 years ago) give them grace. Don't put expectations on them or their behavior, it's an unfair thing for both of you because you will both be disappointed.
5. STOP judging. I am a judge. I have tried so hard to think back and figure out where this little defense mechanism began. I have early memories of doing it, so I know it has been my fall back for a LONG time. If I can place judgement on you, then I don't have to feel bad about what is wrong with me. Back to that self acceptance again. UGH. I do this all the time. To everyone. If I have come in contact with you, even in the grocery store line, you can bet I have placed judgement on you. This is a terrible trait and something I have been working so hard to stop. It starts with my motto of "Just Be". I have to work daily to accept who I am so that I can walk up to you and just be happy to see you instead of casting judgement to cover my insecurities.
6. I usually don't know what I need. Stephen gets so irritated with me because he will call on his way home and ask if we need anything. I usually respond with "no thanks!" Then the next morning I freak out because I can't make Olive's lunch because we are out of peanut butter. He always reminds me, "I asked you if we needed anything". But the truth is I don't know until I need it. This is the same for me and what I need emotionally. I don't know I need it until I need it. I know this has been a frustrating thing for my warrior friends who have been through the mess with us. They will say "call me if you need anything" but since I don't know what I need until I need it, this hasn't worked well. The friends who just show up and call to say "hey I am in your driveway, let me in when you get the girls to bed" or the message from a friend that just says "what's going on? I can feel something" or the friend who gives you a card with a gift card to your favorite restaurant inside because they know that even on your best day, cooking isn't your forte, have been amazing. I don't know what I need, so those who just show up have been an unbelievable blessing. I would like to say this is something I am working on, identifying my needs in advance, but honestly it is at the bottom of the list. I am very self aware, until it comes to specific needs!
None of these lessons have come easily. Most of them I have fought tooth and nail to not have to learn. But slowly but surely, they are all making their way into my heart. Some I still struggle to accept on a daily basis, but with lots of continued prayer and work I hope to not have to work so hard to accept them.
1. When a member of your family is in recovery, your entire family is in recovery. It is a daily sacrifice for every single member of the family (even the dog) to make it work. I am thankful our family has figured out a fairly decent routine in order to accomplish the task of Daddy going to meetings every night. It is worth it. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.
2. When you numb the bad, you numb the good. Oh the numbing! Brene' Brown writes about this in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and man I felt like she wrote this whole chapter just for me! I am the QUEEN of numbing. I am so good at it, I don't even notice I am doing it. I don't even have a go to numbing technique, I can just do it as a part of my normal life and routine. This has been one of the hardest things for me to accept and attempt to change. It is a daily issue and struggle for me. But the joy that is felt when I am able to feel the good is so worth it. Being able to look into Olive's sparkling brown eyes as she tells me a story about a caterpillar at recess and be excited just because she is excited is so worth it! It is worth having to feel the constant dull ache of missing my Dad every moment of every day. It is worth having to feel the uncertainty of not having control of what will happen. But sometimes I forget that the joy is worth it and the numbing wins and it takes me months to get back to feeling. Baby steps...
3. Vulnerability is a gift. For a long time, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to open up and be real about what was REALLY going on with me. This year, I have learned that I wasn't willing to be vulnerable. This could have been for several reasons, but for me, it didn't feel safe. It wasn't safe for me to open myself up to judgement from others. It wasn't safe for me to make myself even more different by admitting what was really going on. It wasn't safe. It also wasn't safe for me to accept my imperfect self. It wasn't safe to accept that there was something REALLY wrong about me and that I was REALLY hurting from all of the pain I was experiencing. This year, I have found safety. I have been able to work through the inability to be vulnerable and to face each relationship I have with a certain level of vulnerability due to self acceptance. Brene Brown states “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."
The person that I am now is not the person I expected to be "when I grew up", she is a much messier version of my expectation, but she is also a lot stronger than I ever expected. The person that I am now is able to "just be" and to not be as concerned with what others think. She is able to be real.
4. People will say catchy phrases like "it's okay, we all grieve differently" and "you deal with it when you're ready" but most of them are just saying it, unfortunately they don't mean it. If you aren't on their timeline or aren't as far along in your grief as they expect you to be, they will let you know in a variety of ways. They may not do this with mean intentions, they just don't have time to be on your journey anymore. This has been a hard lesson for me. I am the first to admit, I am a stifler of emotions, so the grief journey has taken a LONG time and I am still just at the beginning of the real work. If you know someone who is grieving (even if they are grieving the loss of someone that passed 10 years ago) give them grace. Don't put expectations on them or their behavior, it's an unfair thing for both of you because you will both be disappointed.
5. STOP judging. I am a judge. I have tried so hard to think back and figure out where this little defense mechanism began. I have early memories of doing it, so I know it has been my fall back for a LONG time. If I can place judgement on you, then I don't have to feel bad about what is wrong with me. Back to that self acceptance again. UGH. I do this all the time. To everyone. If I have come in contact with you, even in the grocery store line, you can bet I have placed judgement on you. This is a terrible trait and something I have been working so hard to stop. It starts with my motto of "Just Be". I have to work daily to accept who I am so that I can walk up to you and just be happy to see you instead of casting judgement to cover my insecurities.
6. I usually don't know what I need. Stephen gets so irritated with me because he will call on his way home and ask if we need anything. I usually respond with "no thanks!" Then the next morning I freak out because I can't make Olive's lunch because we are out of peanut butter. He always reminds me, "I asked you if we needed anything". But the truth is I don't know until I need it. This is the same for me and what I need emotionally. I don't know I need it until I need it. I know this has been a frustrating thing for my warrior friends who have been through the mess with us. They will say "call me if you need anything" but since I don't know what I need until I need it, this hasn't worked well. The friends who just show up and call to say "hey I am in your driveway, let me in when you get the girls to bed" or the message from a friend that just says "what's going on? I can feel something" or the friend who gives you a card with a gift card to your favorite restaurant inside because they know that even on your best day, cooking isn't your forte, have been amazing. I don't know what I need, so those who just show up have been an unbelievable blessing. I would like to say this is something I am working on, identifying my needs in advance, but honestly it is at the bottom of the list. I am very self aware, until it comes to specific needs!
None of these lessons have come easily. Most of them I have fought tooth and nail to not have to learn. But slowly but surely, they are all making their way into my heart. Some I still struggle to accept on a daily basis, but with lots of continued prayer and work I hope to not have to work so hard to accept them.
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